Bible According To Josh


A child, we'll call him Josh, was told
to write a book report on the entire
Bible. This is fun reading and illust-
rates how often we take for granted that
children understand what we are teaching.

In the beginning, which occurred near
the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
"The Lord thy God is one", but I think
He must be a lot older than that. Anyway,
God said, "Give me a light!" and someone
did.

Then God made the world. He split the
Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,
but they weren't embarrassed because
mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and
Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple,
so they were driven from the Garden of
Eden. Not sure what they were driven in
though, because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated
his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died
off, except for Methuselah, who lived to
be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah,
who was a good guy, but one of his kids
was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat
and put his family and some animals on it.
He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a
rain check.
 
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
Jacob was more famous than his brother,
Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birth-
mark in exchange for some pot roast.
Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a
really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses,
whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt
and away from the evil Pharaoh after God
sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people.
These plagues included frogs mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel
Lights every day with manicotti.
 
Then he gave them His Top Ten Command-
ments.  These include don't lie, cheat,
smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one
more:  Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who
was the first Bible guy to use Spies.
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be
king by killing a giant with a slingshot.
He had a son named Solomon who had about
300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher
says he was wise, but that doesn't sound
very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major
league prophets. One of these was Jonah,
who was swallowed by a big whale and then
barfed upon the shore. There were also
some minor league prophets, but I guess
we don't have to worry about them.
 
After the Old Testament came the New
Testament. Jesus is the star of the New
Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a
barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn,
too, because my mom is always saying to
me, "Close the door! Were you born in a
barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a
matter of fact, I was.") During His life,
Jesus had many arguments with sinners
like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.  The
worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas
was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many
leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount.  But the Republi-
cans and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot
didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just
washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then
came back to life again.  He went up to
Heaven but will be back at the end of
the Aluminum.  His return is foretold
in the book of Revolution.