Checkmate

By Miles Athey & Harry Schafer


Checkmate was first performed as a dinner theater at the
Circle T Restaurant in Ritzville, Washington on April 21-23,
28-30, 2006. The play was co-written and co-directed by
Miles Athey and Harry Schafer. Both men were also the two
lead characters in this play which was described by numerous
attendees as "the funniest stage play ever." "The Odd Couple
is the only play rivaling Checkmate for laughter," commented
one of the patrons. The play was performed by the Ritzville
Community Theatre to sellout crowds.

Checkmate is a two act (two scenes each) play requiring a
cast of 4 women (one is a walk-on with no lines) and 6 men
(three have speaking roles and three have no lines). The
play is 1 hour 20 minutes long when run continuously.
Because of the frequent laughter, the writers/directors of
this play encourage slower than normal line deliveries and
several breaks throughout the performance.

The best way to describe Checkmate is to recount the opening
narration of the play by Louie n' More, a cowboy-turned-
reporter for the Tombstone Epitaph, who is chronicling the
medical wizardry of Doc Pain.

"Welcome to Strawberry Gulch, Kansas. There weren't never
no strawberries grown here so most folks recon'd the name
came from the strawberry colored saddle sores on the rear
ends of the cattle wranglers. It weren't no laughin' matter.
Many a cow poke had his days shortened by near a decade
cause infection set in.

Why it got so bad that Doc Pain declared it the "Strawberry
Plague of '36."  Strawberry Gulch was on the map after that.
Some hifoluting east coast reporter showed up one day in
May of '36 and got the low down on the plague from Doc Pain
hisself. It were the lead story in the Boston, Mass. paper,
The Tea & Rum Record, thet started a stampede of medical
types to Strawberry Gulch just to study under the wizardry
of Doc Pain. Guess they all thought if they could be a part
of the cure of the latest scourge of the West they'd be in
high demand wherever the next Strawberry Plague outbreak
occurred.

After several years, no cure was in sight. So most of the
doctor wannabees left the area with not much gained for all
the time spent with Doc Pain. But there was one enter-
prising Southern Gentleman, Harry Snoot, that figured out a
fortune could be made 'cause of this tragic paradox. Given
thet several hundred cow pokes in the area had contracted
the plague, and given that no cure was in sight, these
unfortunate souls were of no working value to anyone.

So after extracting an exorbitant fee from each of the
cattle barons, as a token of their concern for the future
of their fallen employees, Harry Snoot built the Lordy Be
Rest Home. The name came from an expression uttered by
Doc Pain after one cowpoke dropped his trousers, "Lordy
be, look at that, a strawberry on each cheek!"

We now take you to the Lordy Be Rest Home in Strawberry
Gulch. The date is May 12, 1861, exactly 25 years to the
day after the Tea & Rum Record published the story about
the discovery of the "Strawberry Plague." By the way, just
one month ago, under the leadership of General Pierre
Beauregard, the Confederate Army attacked Fort Sumter,
which was right outside of Charleston, South Carolina. The
Civil War, which Harry refers to as "The War Of Northern
Aggression," has begun, not just in the East, but also
here at the Lordy Be Rest Home!"